How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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