One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
