I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
