life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
