i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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