idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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