Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
