My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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