I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
His nipple licking is glorious
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