It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
