apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
