i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
