eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
