#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Houston, we have a squirter
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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