Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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