ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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