And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
