hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
