U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
