No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
