this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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