Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
