I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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