apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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