How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
