Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
