do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
