organizing the empties. That sober.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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