my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The uberlube is also flammable
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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