I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
