I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
