I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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