I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
