she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
