im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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