Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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