That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
