she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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