Heybabeimwearingurpanties
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
