There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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