My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
