I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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