spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
