my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
