Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
