i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
