The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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