I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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