I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
