i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
