The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
