Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
