her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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