Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
