y did u give ur computer a hand job?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
