Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
