Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I understand Curling. That high.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
