New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
