i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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