I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Pants are for mortals
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